I apologize to those of you easily offended/nauseated by talk of the bathroom, but my feelings are just too strong on this one. I understand if you either want to yell at me, or post a nasty comment after reading.
If you hadn’t gathered from the title, I would like to finally broach the topic of Proper Shared Bathroom Ettiquette and Issues, or How to Poop: at the Office, at School, or Generally in Public (by public I don’t mean squatting at the bus stop—seen it…not pretty—but a place other than the confines of your own home). So following are a few tips for successfully managing the strange experience of acting professionally distant one minute and engaging in bodily functions divided solely by a loosely constructed cubicle the next:
1. You do not need paper protection for your butt cheeks! Please correct me if you have scientifically proven evidence, but I really doubt that you are in danger when your butt cheeks come into contact with any degree of mystery-ness left on a toilet seat. In fact, I vaguely remember seeing a news piece about the kitchen counter being a more dangerous germ-haven than the dirtiest of john lids. Besides, if the toilet is dirty, there’s this handy new invention for cleaning it quickly and effectively! It’s called toilet-friggin paper! And it’s usually right there in the stall. So thank you “The Management” for “providing for our convenience” some handy thin-tissue @$$ gaskets, but I’m gonna save the trees on this one. Also, haven’t you had the experience where that little flap part isn’t quite perforated enough and ends up causing serious problems? Ultimately, if the bathroom in your office, school, park, etc. is so dirty that the functionless bulbs of fat and skin besetting your crack need protection, you might consider a change of venue…at least for your bathroom duties.
2. Courtesy flushes are much appreciated. On especially noisy or fragrantific natty dumpos, be kind and give a little intermediate flush to mask the odor/flatos. The extra water bill expense is worth the comfort to others. Necessity for more than one or two courtesy flushes means you either have poor timing, or need to consider eating less legumes.
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4. Keep your pants on! You may not have had the privelege of sitting next to someone this strange, but it happens. If you are a bare-leg pooper please have the decency to refrain from indulging in “public”. I really just can’t even imagine what advantage this gives you.
5. Wash your dang hands with soap! Do I really have to explain. It would be interesting to me to know how many people use protective covers for the lid, but neglect to wash their hands after. I know it happens. It’s especially disconcerting when either your boss/supervisor, or a person you’ll be shortly interacting with manually, that fails to even stop when walking out of the stall. It is you non-hand-washers that drive people to OCD!!
Do you have any suggestions to add to my list about public bathroom etiquette? The best suggestion recieves a free permanent marker for making vulgar or illegible graffiti marks while pooping!
13 replies on “Office Pooping”
I heard the story of the guy peacefully doing his business when a guy entered the stall next to his and said, “how ya doin?” A little unnerved he replied “fine?” to which his batthroom mate asked, “so what’s new?” to which he responded “not much.” Then he heard, “just a minute, there’s some weirdo talking to me from the next stall.” So my rule is – don’t use your cell phone while in the toidy. In fact I was thinking the other day – how are we supposed to tell the mentally ill who talk to themselves in public from those who use those little star trek ear pieces? People walk around stores talking out loud seemingly to themselves – it’s weird.
I know that last comment was not made by Steven. It was too intellectual and punctuated, Mom please take credit for your work. Secondly,I think that if there were an invention that would revolutionize the “Pooping World” would be sound proof stalls. There is not a single more unsanitary or unerving sound than that of flatulence. I mean I poop just like everybody else but do you have to pull out the bugle and anounce it! So if we could make the experience a little less public it is always appreciated. While on the subject I would think allowing public /work restrooms to have disposable literate near the toilet. I know people get a little touchy on the subject of using toilet time for reading but what better place could you find, to concentrate and learn more, than in the toilet. Make it disposable so that people can toss it but I mean you could fill peoples’ minds with a lot of info during that time. Just make it appealing enough to pick not drabb or sparse just something that would go well, like some comics or history about the company, new projects, something to tell friends about. Anyway I think that would improve the toilet time in the office or any other place for that matter. I’m done.The cell phone thing is definitely a no no. I made the mistake of doing that once myself…and someone came in right as I answered….”Hey. What’s Up?” or something to that effect. The guy said, “uh…Hey, how’s it going?” I had to quickly reply to him, “Oh, no…Sorry, I’m on the phone in here.” In that instance you definitely have to wait until they’re done to slip out. Unless of course your brash and completely unscrupulous. Text messaging, on the other hand, is quite acceptable in the stall and actually a very good use for the otherwise counter-intuitive–and grammar degenerating–technology. Cell phone games are also a nice companion…just make sure the sound’s off.
I agree…the sound-proof thing would be well received. Maybe some white noise emitter would do the trick. As far as reading material: It’s always in the back of my mind to find a handy, suitable literature receptacle for home use. Working at a Newspaper company, there are often stray sections here and there by mid-morning. Problem is…who brings them in…? Obviously someone who has a good hiding mechanism, or that really doesn’t care that people see they are going in to get some reading time. When I’m head of a company I will definitely break the ice by installing literature slots. For home use though, I think it would be a man essential to have a nice holder conveniently by the boss chair. I wonder if IKEA has come up with anything clever like that…?
boys, boys – you will never get anything done at work if you have reading material in the b-room. There would have to be a sign up sheet for poddy time. Witness our own bathroom if dad has his head in a new book – you know my motto, get down to business and then get out of there, obviously you did not recieve my genetic material in the bowel department.
Let me just add there are much more comfortable places to read though there was a time that my grandmother had a padded toilet seat – actually maybe the genetics skipped a couple of generations because my grandpa Foster had a full out magazine rack in front of his toilet with the latest readers digest….I have one word for you FIBER! (eat lots of fruits and veggies)
When Pooping is not the Problem
Guest Pooping:::
When you are at someone elses house, say doing their hardwood, and you have to take a poop and you clog it, with no plunger in sight, what do you do??? mmm???
Hospital Pooping:::
After your wife gives birth the old fashioned way and you have to take a poop and you clog it what do you do? Especially when there are only two people in the room and clearly it couldn’t have been your wife.
Hotel Pooping:::
You take a dump and you clog it. Go figure. How much time do you need to give the hotel staff to unclog it while you are out for some pie???
To be continued…
Please respond if you have any suggestions on what should have happened.
In such cases as these, one might need a portable plunger. One might also try the courtesy flush, knowing exactly when to flush is key. You are on your own with the Hospital thing, maybe next time use the rest room down the hall. A portable plunger might be your only hope.
PortoPlunge would be a good product. I’d help you market it Dave. We could have a website and go on QVC and everything…
“Hey, Dave, don’t you just hate it when you’re over at someone’s house and the tummy gets a gurglin’?”
“Yeah, Jim, I’ve had it happen. But that’s not the worst part! What about when you get the gumption to actually take care of business in a foreign water closet, but you end up cloggin the mother up?!”
“Well, Dave, that’s exactly why we came up with the handy-dandy, super-duper, new-improved product….The PortoPlunge 2000!!!” (Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh)….
“Call right now, and you’ll get, absolutely free, this custom sanitary carrying case for your purse or this western-style belt clip. Now the PortoPlunge is even more convenient….”
Next, world hunger!
“But Jim what about all the unsightly feces that will be left over on the PortoPlunge 2000 (patent pending)? Not to mention the public humiliation of having to carry an untastefully wrank smelling contraption with you everywhere you go?”
“Dave, I guess that’s just the consequence of having good hygiene…or something. Let’s get a shot of that beautiful poop sucker!…”
Behind the scenes…(Jim expresses his displeasure for Dave having made his revolutionary device seems like a fool’s idea. They fall into hate with each other and the world changing PortoPlunge 2000 meets its demise before it is even invented. All they have to show for it is a few swag bags from QVC and a couple hundred dollars from a few orders made from a small town in Virginia. All orders made by a household named Raab.)
Moral of the Story: Never start a blog about pooping!
So true. And this is where we STOP!
I understand that Liz said stop, but I thought I would let you know that several of the men at my office bring reading material with them, in fact when you see a certain someone carrying People magazine you know not to stop for a chat as he is ready for business. It seems that some are not as prudish about reading in the john as others, especially as the bathroom in reference is right near the front entrance.
I stumbled upon this site and immediately thought of your post. Despite some vulgarity, I have to share it with you fellow poopers out there. *Enter at your own risk* Poop Report
My favorite is the tag line “Your #1 source for your #2 business”
Quality find! I personally enjoyed the Poop Manifesto…in spite of the use of the more strong nomenclature. They definitely seem to value the idea that poop time is special and should be regarded as such by more people. However, I believe Freud called that a fixation…very creative nonetheless.
I read the article that’s up most recently about a crapper in London that cost $2.5 million to build and is “Pay-to-Poop” (2 bucks or something a shot…hehe). I think we could make a killing owning public pay-to-poop facilities in large cities all over the country. It could become a franchise. I would pay a couple bucks to do my thing in a well kept toity, instead of the characteristically nasty ones available in most big cities. Wouldn’t you? We could accept credit cards, sell pre-paid cards, gift cards, and even sell extras. It’s the next Starbucks! Hey, it’s just a return to the idea of public wash rooms from back in Roman times. There’s a marketing angle for ya!! Investors, get your place on the ground floor today!! I will find a way to make money off poo!!
Count me in! I think it could be huge. I want the first gift card made for a christmas present this year!